Confidence

Ok.  So one of my biggest fears is plagiarism.  It's so hard coming up with an idea that no one has thought of and published already.  Then again it's also really easy.  Especially in my mind.  It definitely helps that I remember my dreams nearly every night.  Dreams are so out of whack and so original, I love it.  I'm always afraid I'll post something and a friend will come across it and think I copied them or something, when I've only ever posted from my life and heart.  I'm afraid my book has been written already.  I think it was a dream I had, but I have had this weird deja vu feeling since the idea came to me and I swear I've read it somewhere.  But after searching the New Eras and Friend magazines, looking online, and in the library, I can't find anything like it.  I came up with the idea in high school and didn't realize I wanted to make it a book until last year.  I realized it would be a perfect childrens book.  But I'm seriously so paranoid about plagiarism, I STILL look online every few months to see if somehow I did steal my idea from someone.  Anyway today I have been grateful for confidence, and as I was about to start this post I saw my friend had posted about confidence as well.  And she wrote everything about it so perfect!  So this post won't be as long as it was originally gonna be, yay.

Tonight I went to a buddys birthday party and I knew from the start that Friend F would be there.  And that Clifton would not.  There goes my security blanket and confidence.  I got there and of course felt out of place.  I shouldn't have felt that way because the birthday boy was giving me a lot of attention.  But with being in a place with someone who wrote me off for no good reason, and not having my husband to hold on to and pay attention I felt at a loss of what to do.  I was not comfortable being me right then.  I had nothing really to contribute to conversations.  Nothing interesting has happened lately, and it's hard for me to talk when I feel weird.

I still had fun, and I still made an effort.  I loved watching one girl because anyone could tell she loved who she was and she knew what she stood for.  She didn't care what anyone thought which is such an amazing thing to me.  I care too much what people think when Clifton's not around, and even then I've become too self-conscious.  I loved that she just danced and laughed and wrestled and did her thing with no worries as to who liked her or not.  I'm grateful for her and her confidence because it's reminded me how important it is to love myself.  I'm grateful for my friends blog as well.  I loved this bit of hers in particular:

"It's an act of pride not to believe in yourself and your own good qualities. That almost seems like an oxymoron, but truly, God has given every single one of us talents and abilities, and He thinks all of us are beautiful and intelligent. Not only does He think so now, but He thought I was beautiful and intelligent when I was a freshman at Snow too, and even when I was in high school. And by disagreeing with His view, we're basically saying that we know better than God--the only Person who knows us better than we know ourselves. He sees us as we truly are and He sees our wonderful potential.  So while I still may struggle with my confidence, it's really a matter of faith that He knows me and He believes in me, and if the greatest Being in the universe, Who knows everything and everyone, sees me as someone of value, then who am I to disagree? I really am nothing without God, and He is where I need to draw my confidence.
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with my faults and my shortcomings, and I want to hide from everyone so they won't think badly of me. But it's not everyone else's opinions that count, and I'm denying people love when they may need it and I'm denying myself love and I know I need it."