All nighters

Confession:  I stayed up all night last night watching Glee.
Consequence:  Freak panic attack tonight.

When I was young and growing up I pretty much never pulled all-nighters.  In high school it was so hard for me to even stay up until 10.  I remember staying up only a few New Year Eves, and maybe once or twice to finish an assignment.  But even then I think I got a few hours of sleep.  All of that changed in college.  I pulled all-nighters constantly.  Me and my roommates stayed up helping each other finish assignments, or just hangin out and playing all night with my dormmates.  It was awesome.  One time I stayed up 39 hours and I didn't even feel tired or anything; maybe a little more slow than usual but that's all.

Since college I've stayed up all night a few times, but mostly I just stay up late then get a few hours of sleep.  Last year I stayed up for 36 hours (I honestly cannot remember why) and I was perfectly fine until the end of Valentines Day.  Clifton and his friends put together a really cute group dinner but we didn't really have an activity or play games.  So after dinner everyone left and I had a chance to lay down on Cliftons big lovesac (we call it a pillow since it is more flat than round like a lovesac).  We were getting ready to watch a movie and the sleep deprivation finally hit me.  I started whining about not being able to move my legs and Clifton kept telling me that if I wanted to move them to just move them.  My body and mind was finally exhausted and I willed my legs to move but that obviously wasn't enough.  Then I got to be hysterical about everything.  I was convinced my legs were glued together because I was a mermaid; in the which I started bawling because I needed water to survive and I was clearly not in water.  After calming down a little about the mermaid incident Clifton joined me on the pillow and held me.  I noticed a hole in his pants and started crying hysterically again.  I told my love that I didn't want the snow to go down his pant legs and that I would sew his pants for him.  Good times.  After I cried hysterically, I laughed hysterically.  This "sleep-drunk" behavior lasted about two hours before Clifton decided it was useless to try and watch a movie; he called a friend to help bring me home.  On the way to my house I stuck my feet out the window and started laughing like a psycho, pointing out that I was wearing Christmas toe socks on Valentines Day.  Come on, it was hilarious.

Clifton and I often bring up that sleep-drunk night and have a great laugh.  I don't have any other explanations for the things I said other than the fact that I had gone so long without sleep and my mind acted as though it was chemically imbalanced.  Since then I have not gone a night without sleep; until last night.  It was fun watching Glee.  Seriously, I told you I was super addicted.  The only thing I noticed today was that I almost fell asleep walking home from work.  Other than that I was fine.  Clifton got home and after talking and watching a movie we went to bed.  I tried falling asleep but my mind was taken over by irrational fears of a break in.  I wanted to sit up and tell Clifton, or at least talk to him about my fear but the panic inside of me wouldn't allow it.  I was terrified that if I got up to get a drink or use the bathroom, someone with a knife would be waiting for me in our house.  Finally I was able to manage a little whimper and when Clifton started talking to me I somehow snapped out of my fear.  He calmed me down and held me until I was almost asleep.  I know he can't sleep when I cuddle next to him because he gets too hot so I moved back to my side and soon enough the panic would start up again.  Eventually I was able to get to sleep after a few prayers.  This anxiety attack that I had was so weird and out of the blue though.  I started having really bad anxiety attacks after my first love kept breaking my heart.  I had them every other week or so and I know it was because I was really down  in the dumps.  Since meeting Clifton I've probably only had one anxiety attack, if that.  He makes me so happy that I am confident I'm past that part of my life.  Just as long as I get enough sleep.

I realized tonight that I'm not at the prime of my life anymore.  I can't pull any all-nighters without my mind, body, and emotions going so out of whack.  I know I'm still young, but there's just certain things I can't get away with anymore.  I can still eat whatever I want without gaining a pound, but I can no longer run without my knees aching in pain.  I can look young for many more years, but I can't stay up all night like I used to.  I am grateful for all-nighters, even though I don't think I'll have many more.  They have been a blast and I enjoy them, even though my body goes crazy afterwards.  I'm grateful for what I've learned from staying up late and I'm grateful for the incredibly fun memories I have from college while staying up all night.