Church

So me and Clifton have been pretty inactive the past few years and we've definitely gotten better since meeting each other.  It's not that I don't want to go to church.  Maybe it was that at first, but now I have a true desire to attend and I'm trying hard to make it.  Last week we went to our ward for the first time and we were SO excited to meet our ward...but it turned out to be STAKE CONFERENCE!  So we were late AND we didn't get to meet anyone in our ward.  I've gotten to the point where I'm feeling panic-y and desparate to be in contact with our bishop or really just anyone.  Mainly cause I know everyone is learning and growing spiritual and I hate feeling left behind.  So I left my bishop a note in his office and he actually called today :]  such a relief.  And although my baby has to stupid work on Sunday, I know I will for sure be going to church.  I'm going because I want to be better and learn and get to the point of temple worthiness so we can be endowed; but I'm extremely excited to finally have a spiritual support system/family that's only found by going to church.

It's a secret ;D

Oh my gosh.  One of my best friends has the same secret bad habit as me.  I love her :]

Swabsky

One of Cliftons best friends just passed away.  He killed himself last Friday and his memorial service was today.  His name was Christopher James Swabsky and he grew to be one of my good friends as well.  Clifton was his best friend outside of family and we had no idea he struggled with depression.  Chris was one of the most caring people we ever knew.  He cared so much about the people around him and wanted them to be happy that I think that's why we didn't know...I don't think he wanted to "burden" us with the way he felt.  I wish we knew though.  We loved that kid.  He had such a beautiful and tender soul.  He was funny and loyal to his friends and a great kid.  And we thought he was genuinely happy!  He was always smiling.  He had the greatest smile :).

I miss him so much already and I know my husband does too.  He hasn't really said much about it and I think he's still a little in denial which totally makes sense.  But it's so hard for me to comfort him and try to make him feel better because it's a pain that really can't be taken away.

I think that's the hardest think about being married.  We've had our share of fights and some have been pretty serious, but there isn't anything I've experienced in marriage yet that's harder than this.  The person I love more than anyone and anything going through a hard time and not being able to take that hurt away like I want to.  We can always come back from a fight and we'll be stronger for it and we'll be able to take the hurt away together.  But this is something he has to work through in order to move passed it, and all I can really do for him is give him my love and support.

Love and miss you Chris.

God be with you til we meet again.

These are the days.

I am so happy right now.  I am so blessed with the things in my life.  I have an amazing husband, caring friends, a home I love, the freedom to dress how I want, and no really big trials.  Sure we could lose our home if I remain jobless because we can't afford it, but even then I know I'll still be happy.  I've done all I can do to get a job.  If for some reason we end up in a bind and have to move in with Cliftons parents or whoever I will remain just as happy.  I will be at peace that God is in control and that things happen for a reason...that I will have something to learn from our trials.  And I will still have my incredible loving husband and no matter what happens, I will remain happy as long as he's with me always. 

I LOVE MY CLIFTON!!!

He has given me the courage to do the things I love and not care what anyone thinks.  He has made me come to life in every way and I love him for it.  I love him for all that he is.  I'm so blessed he's mine.

I LOVE MY CLIFTON!!!

Pictures of YOU, pictures of ME! Hung up on your wall for the world to see!

Hahaha I'm not prego but I love this picture!  Tepanyaki adventure with friends...I had to sneak candy into the theater afterwards lol.

Volleyball Tuesdays!  Me and Christian being bored haha.

Half the group at Frog Rock; a frequent hangout of ours.

We went to Hogle Zoo to see the GIRAFFE!!!!

My birthday on October 8th and Cliftons on October 2nd=getting each other the same present :P

Camping up at the Meadows.  I love the hat he's wearing.  Basically it's mine now lol.

The guys :]

Me and my baby went on a lil vacation just driving wherever we wanted :)

We went up to his family property at lava and I put the camera on timer.  The hammock fell just before the picture took and I knew the picture was gonna take so I had some fun.  So funny hahaha.

Pumpkin night at the Blue Bungalow!

Seriously guys.  I love these women.  They are my wives.

Kendra love

Christian dear

Our awesome Halloween party!  I was Captain Crunch and he was a Cereal Killer.  Brilliant yes lol?

MY friends.

Hahaha oh man so Chris is being a creeper on the left and David is being a creeper on the right by the nerd.  He's wearying black so he's harder to see.  Then of course there's Kaisha by my tassles on the right.

I just love this picture.  I love my friends.

I NEED TO WRITE!!!

My hands are tense...grabbing, in need of a keyboard.
                             I NEED TO WRITE!
My mind is spinning with ten thoughts for every second...they need to escape before they're forgotten forever.
                             I NEED TO SPEAK!
My legs are awake and ready...to explore the earth with their willing muscles.
                             I NEED TO RUN!
My heart and sould are troubled...with no better word to describe it than chaos.
                             I NEED TO STOP FEELING!


Man.  I feel like I need to write all the time.  So many stories and so many thoughts in my head that are just waiting and ready to be made permanent.  I'm ready.  It feels like I am at least.  I haven't told many people about my ambition to write books.  So very many books!  All in my head.  They won't be bestsellers AT ALL and I'm ok with that :].  I just want to write me some books and get even one published.  What an incredible dream come true.  I love writing :]

The Zoo

Forced into fences when all I want is wilderness.

Being told it's for the best to save my species.

It's not.

Freedom.  That will save my species.

For freedom is happiness, and happiness is what will preserve.

The evil on the outside won't kill me.

My instincts are good.

Depression.

That will kill me.

Let me out.

Let US out.

Give me my fresh nature air.

And then I will be healed, and we will become more beautiful and alive than you can imagine.