Being uniquely you.

One of the best bits of advice I've ever gotten was "Don't try to catch up.  You either write or you don't.  Don't think about how much you need to update, because then it will be too much and you will never write."  I don't remember who told me that which is really too bad, but it was when I was a teenager and it was in reference to journal writing.  It is totally true.  I have not written a complete entry in my journal in well over a year, maybe even two.  When I read through my older journals I go crazy when I get to an entry that says "Today was so amazing! Me and Aaron checked Madie and Ammon out of" or "I can't stop crying".  WHAT?!  Why not?!  What made the day fabulous?  Why was I crying?  Come on Jesse from the past, get it together!  Now that's not to say my journals consist purely of incomplete entries because they don't.  I probably only have a handful of meaningless one-liners.  Being honest, I don't have a complete journal entry in such a long time because I've only written in my journal 3 times in the past two years.  It's shameful.  I always get mad at myself for that.  Yet the perfectionist in me, which has somehow blown up and gotten to be extreme over the past month, refuses to not catch up.  I feel obligated to update on my life thus far and that is what holds me back.

The same thing goes for blogging.  I hate reading blogs that are constantly apologizing for the delayed update or blog; that's just not my style and I'm pretty sure I have never done it.  If you are reading this and you do it, no big deal.  It doesn't make sense to me to apologize, when really we're (I'M?  Maybe I'm the only one.) just as glad to read anything about your life whether it be the day of or a month later.  I have not blogged solely for the reason that I do not have internet and after a few weeks realized what a pain it is to catch up.  I actually almost gave up on my New Year resolution and goal yesterday, but thankfully that quote came to mind.  I refuse to fail.  I need to finish this New Year resolution to prove to myself that it is possible to have a goal and follow through with it; especially a NEW YEAR goal.  I don't know anyone that has completed their New Year resolution.  Is that a challenge?  Perhaps.  Yes.  Either way, I am determined to finish strong.

I feel like I have learned a lot already from this goal of mine.  Through reading other blogs, and going back and reading my own, my writing has progressed significantly.  I am definitely not a clever or talented writer, but I have matured as a writer.  It's obvious in my very first post from this year (the link is given in the previous paragraph).  Who puts "haha" in their writing?!  I am embarrassed.  Granted, this is no English class and it is really just my online journal which I print, but I personally enjoy reading posts that are better written.  Everyone has their own style and it's interesting to see that style unfold and reveal itself.

Another thing I've learned is that there is so much to be grateful for, even on the worst of days.  I have already been grateful for 260 days and there are numerous other things to be grateful for that I can think of at the moment.  My favorite quote is the one at the top of my page:  "Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation."

Perhaps the biggest thing I've learned this year, whether from dedicating the year to gratitude or from multiple experiences throughout, is to fully love and accept who I am and who others are.  I love my acne, my cellulite, my weak wrists, my short nails, my alien toes, my ivory colored teeth, my perfectionism, and everything else that many people consider disgusting or unattractive.  When you really think about it why does it matter?  So what if I have pimples?  It isn't physically damaging.  Sure I may get pock marks later on, but acne is something that I've had to learn to accept.  I have been on multiple medications to get rid of this "skin flaw" but nothing has been ultimately effective.  It was the most difficult thing for me to handle in high school but I have grown from that and learned that it does not matter.  I have acne.  So what?  So what if I don't bleach my teeth to the color of glow-in-the-dark?  I brush my teeth.  My "imperfect" teeth color doesn't hurt you or me so why care about it?  So what?  So what if I get cellulite on my legs?  I work out and I don't eat a whole bunch of junk.  It is largely hereditary, and it doesn't do me or you harm.  I find it entertaining occasionally.  I have learned that if you are nit-picky with yourself about minor "imperfections", you will be that way with other people whether you mean to or not.  It ruins what you think of yourself and it ruins the relationships you have.  One of my best friends from high school made a wonderful post a few months ago conveying this same concept.  I haven't read the post since then so I really hope I have not stolen her words!  I'm terrified of plagiarism.  Reading her blog is what got me thinking about all of this in the first place.  I don't understand why people constantly criticize and condemn those that are different from them, or not "up to par" in the looks department.  It's senseless.

It bothers me that our society in general has become a massive race to be the "most attractive".  I hate that people refuse to accept everything they are in order to obtain something that is not unique and individual to them.  Why try to be the same as everyone else?  Being different is a beautiful thing!  Don't ruin that.  I know, it sounds like I'm complaining about life.  I love life and the human race.  I don't think my way of living is any better than anyone elses.  I think there is, however, something to be said for self-discovery, acceptance, and most importantly love though.  Love yourself.  Everything about yourself.  Every.  Day.