Being uniquely you.

One of the best bits of advice I've ever gotten was "Don't try to catch up.  You either write or you don't.  Don't think about how much you need to update, because then it will be too much and you will never write."  I don't remember who told me that which is really too bad, but it was when I was a teenager and it was in reference to journal writing.  It is totally true.  I have not written a complete entry in my journal in well over a year, maybe even two.  When I read through my older journals I go crazy when I get to an entry that says "Today was so amazing! Me and Aaron checked Madie and Ammon out of" or "I can't stop crying".  WHAT?!  Why not?!  What made the day fabulous?  Why was I crying?  Come on Jesse from the past, get it together!  Now that's not to say my journals consist purely of incomplete entries because they don't.  I probably only have a handful of meaningless one-liners.  Being honest, I don't have a complete journal entry in such a long time because I've only written in my journal 3 times in the past two years.  It's shameful.  I always get mad at myself for that.  Yet the perfectionist in me, which has somehow blown up and gotten to be extreme over the past month, refuses to not catch up.  I feel obligated to update on my life thus far and that is what holds me back.

The same thing goes for blogging.  I hate reading blogs that are constantly apologizing for the delayed update or blog; that's just not my style and I'm pretty sure I have never done it.  If you are reading this and you do it, no big deal.  It doesn't make sense to me to apologize, when really we're (I'M?  Maybe I'm the only one.) just as glad to read anything about your life whether it be the day of or a month later.  I have not blogged solely for the reason that I do not have internet and after a few weeks realized what a pain it is to catch up.  I actually almost gave up on my New Year resolution and goal yesterday, but thankfully that quote came to mind.  I refuse to fail.  I need to finish this New Year resolution to prove to myself that it is possible to have a goal and follow through with it; especially a NEW YEAR goal.  I don't know anyone that has completed their New Year resolution.  Is that a challenge?  Perhaps.  Yes.  Either way, I am determined to finish strong.

I feel like I have learned a lot already from this goal of mine.  Through reading other blogs, and going back and reading my own, my writing has progressed significantly.  I am definitely not a clever or talented writer, but I have matured as a writer.  It's obvious in my very first post from this year (the link is given in the previous paragraph).  Who puts "haha" in their writing?!  I am embarrassed.  Granted, this is no English class and it is really just my online journal which I print, but I personally enjoy reading posts that are better written.  Everyone has their own style and it's interesting to see that style unfold and reveal itself.

Another thing I've learned is that there is so much to be grateful for, even on the worst of days.  I have already been grateful for 260 days and there are numerous other things to be grateful for that I can think of at the moment.  My favorite quote is the one at the top of my page:  "Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation."

Perhaps the biggest thing I've learned this year, whether from dedicating the year to gratitude or from multiple experiences throughout, is to fully love and accept who I am and who others are.  I love my acne, my cellulite, my weak wrists, my short nails, my alien toes, my ivory colored teeth, my perfectionism, and everything else that many people consider disgusting or unattractive.  When you really think about it why does it matter?  So what if I have pimples?  It isn't physically damaging.  Sure I may get pock marks later on, but acne is something that I've had to learn to accept.  I have been on multiple medications to get rid of this "skin flaw" but nothing has been ultimately effective.  It was the most difficult thing for me to handle in high school but I have grown from that and learned that it does not matter.  I have acne.  So what?  So what if I don't bleach my teeth to the color of glow-in-the-dark?  I brush my teeth.  My "imperfect" teeth color doesn't hurt you or me so why care about it?  So what?  So what if I get cellulite on my legs?  I work out and I don't eat a whole bunch of junk.  It is largely hereditary, and it doesn't do me or you harm.  I find it entertaining occasionally.  I have learned that if you are nit-picky with yourself about minor "imperfections", you will be that way with other people whether you mean to or not.  It ruins what you think of yourself and it ruins the relationships you have.  One of my best friends from high school made a wonderful post a few months ago conveying this same concept.  I haven't read the post since then so I really hope I have not stolen her words!  I'm terrified of plagiarism.  Reading her blog is what got me thinking about all of this in the first place.  I don't understand why people constantly criticize and condemn those that are different from them, or not "up to par" in the looks department.  It's senseless.

It bothers me that our society in general has become a massive race to be the "most attractive".  I hate that people refuse to accept everything they are in order to obtain something that is not unique and individual to them.  Why try to be the same as everyone else?  Being different is a beautiful thing!  Don't ruin that.  I know, it sounds like I'm complaining about life.  I love life and the human race.  I don't think my way of living is any better than anyone elses.  I think there is, however, something to be said for self-discovery, acceptance, and most importantly love though.  Love yourself.  Everything about yourself.  Every.  Day.

Unsolicited Advice

It's hard learning lessons sometimes.  I'm grateful for it, but it's still hard.  I think the biggest part of learning lessons is realizing that something I said or did hurt someone so bad that I need to really work on changing it, especially when no harm was meant; or that I'm really not doing as well as I thought.  I know that I can't please everyone and I accept that fact on most days.  I am someone that needs people to tell me when I'm being rude or selfish or moody or some other negative attribute.  If people don't tell me I don't realize it and I therefore can't change it.  I've already mentioned that I will always have to keep my moods in check.  It's not something that will permanently change, but it is something I can keep in control and moderation so I don't hurt those around me as well as myself.  Today I really learned how important it is for me to keep my mouth shut.
I am a strong believer in just being real.  Getting to the point, saying things how they are, no bending the truth or reading between the lines.  It's extremely frustrating for me when adults play mind games or dance around the real issue.  A friend of mine is in a management position and when another mutual friend asked to be hired, he told her a few different reasons.  All of the reasons were true but contradicting to how he hired other people.  The actual reason was that he didn't want to hire her and he told me that he didn't.  She would've been fine and accepted that but she sensed he wasn't being entirely honest and that was what she had a problem with.  I believe that people can sense when someone else is being dishonest.  I believe people can sense genuity.  It's a lot harder as adults to sense but it's something I think our spirits can definitely detect.  No one likes dishonesty in any of it's forms and I'd say that hurt feelings or being angry about something is about 75% because our souls can feel the dishonesty.  I don't think my friend meant to hide the real reason.  He is so kind and tries so hard not to be rude and he succeeds; in succeeding he fails.  He thought telling her flat out would've been hard for her, but it's harder to deal with the sugar coated truth.  I'm not bashing his ways because he is a wonderful person.  I want you to understand how important being completely truthful is to me.  Not everyone can handle it though and that's something I need to remember.

Me and my sister are in a fight right now because of the whole family pictures dealio.  You know, the day where Kristin went crazy?  Maybe I went crazy.  Probably.   A few days ago she called me and we talked but then we started fighting.  She doesn't want to be a pushover and because of that she is being a bully.  I don't know what happened that made her feel this way, but she feels very taken advantage of...by pretty much everyone.  She's had a lot of anger building up inside of her and when we spoke she brought up things that have happened in the past that she has been angry about.  She is trying to make a positive change in her life which is great.  I was frustrated with the things she brought up, because they are things she didn't even look upset about; in fact they are things her and I bonded over.  Clearly my point of view is distorted and everyday conversation can be very upsetting to unhappy people.  I have been very upset about the things she said and finally got ahold of myself today and realized what needed to be done.

Not too long ago I was reading myinfertilelifeunedited.blogspot.com, and she was talking about a recent appointment she went to.  She has been struggling with infertility for SEVEN years and after briefly chatting with a lady next to her in the waiting room the lady said to her "just relax and you'll get pregnant."  She has never had an actual period.  Her body is physically incapable of being pregnant without treatments and pills and even then it is extremely difficult.  It's not something that will happen just by relaxing and she wanted to yell at the lady for saying so.  At the end of her post she said this:

"Unsolicited advice, no matter how well-intended, is never welcome."

I now fully agree with her.  I have given my sister advice and told her she just needs to relax and that it's pointless to hold onto anger, especially when I've sincerely apologized multiple times.  Kristin did not like me telling her how to live her life as if mine was so much better.  That's not at all what I had intended but in all reality that is what I was doing, whether it was knowingly or not. 

From here on out, I need to keep my mouth shut.  Not everyone is like me and needs things to be said as straightforward as possible.  It's what makes people beautiful and unique--our differences.  I hate not being able to say how I feel when I feel it, because that makes me feel fake and I hate that.  But if it's not something that will make the person feel better about their life and relationships it will always do more harm than good.  That's not worth losing family over.

I am grateful for the lesson that I learned this week and especially today.  I was really struggling with the things that were happening with Kristin and I needed counsel from my mom.  Before I could get that counsel I realized what needed to be done and that's exactly what.  I am the problem.  As hard as that is for me to accept it has been accepted and I will embrace the beautiful unsolicited advice I recieved while reading myinfertilelifeunedited.