Girls night

Tonight Carrie and I finally got together.  We made pizza, which was delicious, and watched "My Name is Earl".  It was a great night.  It was just what I needed.  She is such a wonderful friend.  In fact, she's one of the only people I actually consider my friend.  We were able to catch up and talk a lot about our lives.  I miss her when I don't see her every week.  I always feel right at home with her.  I am so grateful for her and the time we got to spend together tonight!

Tolerance

Today a friend and I were talking and he revealed that he did not believe in love.  He said that at first people are just infatuated, and then as the years go on they just tolerate each other.  I was humored by his statement but as I thought about it more and more I realized he was right.  Not about the love.  I believe in love.  I believe that's why me and my husband cry together after resolving a big fight, or why he selflessly takes care of me regardless of whether I'm sick or not.  I think my friend was right about the tolerance.  I think tolerance is love.  You don't tolerate someone unless you care about them.  It's hard sometimes to tolerate people.  Especially for me.  I don't know why but I get sick of people really fast.  If I'm around the same person every day for a week, I begin to loathe them.  It's all in my head but I get very perturbed being around the same people constantly.  The exceptions to this is my family members and Clifton.  Clifton is the ONLY person outside of my siblings that I can bear to be around for very long. That's one of the biggest reasons I knew he and I will always be together.  I'm grateful for tolerance and the people loving enough to tolerate me.  I know that I am a lot to handle.  I don't need much attention and I don't need many clothes and I'm always up for getting dirty.  I'm not high maintenance in that aspect.  I'm high maintenance in the emotions aspect.  And you know what?  It's ok, because my husband enjoys maintaining me.  Don't think I don't take care of him either.  I have learned that I haven't treated Clifton the best, but that has changed.  I am continuously making an effort to jolt him the way he jolts me.  Why?  Because of tolerance.  He's an easy person to tolerate anyway, but even if he wasn't I'd still tolerate him because I love him.

Unsolicited Advice

It's hard learning lessons sometimes.  I'm grateful for it, but it's still hard.  I think the biggest part of learning lessons is realizing that something I said or did hurt someone so bad that I need to really work on changing it, especially when no harm was meant; or that I'm really not doing as well as I thought.  I know that I can't please everyone and I accept that fact on most days.  I am someone that needs people to tell me when I'm being rude or selfish or moody or some other negative attribute.  If people don't tell me I don't realize it and I therefore can't change it.  I've already mentioned that I will always have to keep my moods in check.  It's not something that will permanently change, but it is something I can keep in control and moderation so I don't hurt those around me as well as myself.  Today I really learned how important it is for me to keep my mouth shut.
I am a strong believer in just being real.  Getting to the point, saying things how they are, no bending the truth or reading between the lines.  It's extremely frustrating for me when adults play mind games or dance around the real issue.  A friend of mine is in a management position and when another mutual friend asked to be hired, he told her a few different reasons.  All of the reasons were true but contradicting to how he hired other people.  The actual reason was that he didn't want to hire her and he told me that he didn't.  She would've been fine and accepted that but she sensed he wasn't being entirely honest and that was what she had a problem with.  I believe that people can sense when someone else is being dishonest.  I believe people can sense genuity.  It's a lot harder as adults to sense but it's something I think our spirits can definitely detect.  No one likes dishonesty in any of it's forms and I'd say that hurt feelings or being angry about something is about 75% because our souls can feel the dishonesty.  I don't think my friend meant to hide the real reason.  He is so kind and tries so hard not to be rude and he succeeds; in succeeding he fails.  He thought telling her flat out would've been hard for her, but it's harder to deal with the sugar coated truth.  I'm not bashing his ways because he is a wonderful person.  I want you to understand how important being completely truthful is to me.  Not everyone can handle it though and that's something I need to remember.

Me and my sister are in a fight right now because of the whole family pictures dealio.  You know, the day where Kristin went crazy?  Maybe I went crazy.  Probably.   A few days ago she called me and we talked but then we started fighting.  She doesn't want to be a pushover and because of that she is being a bully.  I don't know what happened that made her feel this way, but she feels very taken advantage of...by pretty much everyone.  She's had a lot of anger building up inside of her and when we spoke she brought up things that have happened in the past that she has been angry about.  She is trying to make a positive change in her life which is great.  I was frustrated with the things she brought up, because they are things she didn't even look upset about; in fact they are things her and I bonded over.  Clearly my point of view is distorted and everyday conversation can be very upsetting to unhappy people.  I have been very upset about the things she said and finally got ahold of myself today and realized what needed to be done.

Not too long ago I was reading myinfertilelifeunedited.blogspot.com, and she was talking about a recent appointment she went to.  She has been struggling with infertility for SEVEN years and after briefly chatting with a lady next to her in the waiting room the lady said to her "just relax and you'll get pregnant."  She has never had an actual period.  Her body is physically incapable of being pregnant without treatments and pills and even then it is extremely difficult.  It's not something that will happen just by relaxing and she wanted to yell at the lady for saying so.  At the end of her post she said this:

"Unsolicited advice, no matter how well-intended, is never welcome."

I now fully agree with her.  I have given my sister advice and told her she just needs to relax and that it's pointless to hold onto anger, especially when I've sincerely apologized multiple times.  Kristin did not like me telling her how to live her life as if mine was so much better.  That's not at all what I had intended but in all reality that is what I was doing, whether it was knowingly or not. 

From here on out, I need to keep my mouth shut.  Not everyone is like me and needs things to be said as straightforward as possible.  It's what makes people beautiful and unique--our differences.  I hate not being able to say how I feel when I feel it, because that makes me feel fake and I hate that.  But if it's not something that will make the person feel better about their life and relationships it will always do more harm than good.  That's not worth losing family over.

I am grateful for the lesson that I learned this week and especially today.  I was really struggling with the things that were happening with Kristin and I needed counsel from my mom.  Before I could get that counsel I realized what needed to be done and that's exactly what.  I am the problem.  As hard as that is for me to accept it has been accepted and I will embrace the beautiful unsolicited advice I recieved while reading myinfertilelifeunedited.

Kaisha Cragun

Today I'm grateful for Kaisha.She is so awesome!We both went to apply for a job in Salt Lake with a previous manager and it was wonderful catching up.I haven't seen her in so long!And really there is no excuse.We agree on so many things and we have a lot in common.I love being crazy and she is good at doing that.It's refreshing being around someone that really just doesn't care what others think.We went to Krispy Kreme afterwards and it was delicious.I told her my side of the whole story with the Christian (Friend F) thing.I haven't told anyone else besides Clifton because most all the group has formed their opinion.I think it's pointless to tell my side of the story to people too close-minded to realize that Christian was listening to only what she wanted to hear and not what I was saying to her.I don't think people should have to take sides and I wasn't asking that of Kaisha at all.Me and Christian are no longer friends for very good reasons and it was a relief to have someone to talk to.For the most part I have accepted that people will form an uneducated opinion after hearing only one side, but it has been irritating in this situtation.I don't want certain people to think certain things of me and I'm sure they do now because of what she has told them, and although I have accepted that it has been bothersome.Trust me I know I've done wrong in this situtation as well, but it has been over for quite awhile now.The only reason I bring it up now, is to let you know how grateful I am to Kaisha for listening to me.That's really all I needed.She is a great listener.And I don't think people give her enough credit on how wise she is.

After getting back from Salt Lake and Krispy Kreme, we went to Zeppe's to visit one of her friends.There was an awesome area behind where we took some pictures together.Hopefully she will send them to me soon!It was just so nice getting to know her bettter.I love Kaisha for who she is.