Swabsky

One of Cliftons best friends just passed away.  He killed himself last Friday and his memorial service was today.  His name was Christopher James Swabsky and he grew to be one of my good friends as well.  Clifton was his best friend outside of family and we had no idea he struggled with depression.  Chris was one of the most caring people we ever knew.  He cared so much about the people around him and wanted them to be happy that I think that's why we didn't know...I don't think he wanted to "burden" us with the way he felt.  I wish we knew though.  We loved that kid.  He had such a beautiful and tender soul.  He was funny and loyal to his friends and a great kid.  And we thought he was genuinely happy!  He was always smiling.  He had the greatest smile :).

I miss him so much already and I know my husband does too.  He hasn't really said much about it and I think he's still a little in denial which totally makes sense.  But it's so hard for me to comfort him and try to make him feel better because it's a pain that really can't be taken away.

I think that's the hardest think about being married.  We've had our share of fights and some have been pretty serious, but there isn't anything I've experienced in marriage yet that's harder than this.  The person I love more than anyone and anything going through a hard time and not being able to take that hurt away like I want to.  We can always come back from a fight and we'll be stronger for it and we'll be able to take the hurt away together.  But this is something he has to work through in order to move passed it, and all I can really do for him is give him my love and support.

Love and miss you Chris.

God be with you til we meet again.

These are the days.

I am so happy right now.  I am so blessed with the things in my life.  I have an amazing husband, caring friends, a home I love, the freedom to dress how I want, and no really big trials.  Sure we could lose our home if I remain jobless because we can't afford it, but even then I know I'll still be happy.  I've done all I can do to get a job.  If for some reason we end up in a bind and have to move in with Cliftons parents or whoever I will remain just as happy.  I will be at peace that God is in control and that things happen for a reason...that I will have something to learn from our trials.  And I will still have my incredible loving husband and no matter what happens, I will remain happy as long as he's with me always. 

I LOVE MY CLIFTON!!!

He has given me the courage to do the things I love and not care what anyone thinks.  He has made me come to life in every way and I love him for it.  I love him for all that he is.  I'm so blessed he's mine.

I LOVE MY CLIFTON!!!

Pictures of YOU, pictures of ME! Hung up on your wall for the world to see!

Hahaha I'm not prego but I love this picture!  Tepanyaki adventure with friends...I had to sneak candy into the theater afterwards lol.

Volleyball Tuesdays!  Me and Christian being bored haha.

Half the group at Frog Rock; a frequent hangout of ours.

We went to Hogle Zoo to see the GIRAFFE!!!!

My birthday on October 8th and Cliftons on October 2nd=getting each other the same present :P

Camping up at the Meadows.  I love the hat he's wearing.  Basically it's mine now lol.

The guys :]

Me and my baby went on a lil vacation just driving wherever we wanted :)

We went up to his family property at lava and I put the camera on timer.  The hammock fell just before the picture took and I knew the picture was gonna take so I had some fun.  So funny hahaha.

Pumpkin night at the Blue Bungalow!

Seriously guys.  I love these women.  They are my wives.

Kendra love

Christian dear

Our awesome Halloween party!  I was Captain Crunch and he was a Cereal Killer.  Brilliant yes lol?

MY friends.

Hahaha oh man so Chris is being a creeper on the left and David is being a creeper on the right by the nerd.  He's wearying black so he's harder to see.  Then of course there's Kaisha by my tassles on the right.

I just love this picture.  I love my friends.

I NEED TO WRITE!!!

My hands are tense...grabbing, in need of a keyboard.
                             I NEED TO WRITE!
My mind is spinning with ten thoughts for every second...they need to escape before they're forgotten forever.
                             I NEED TO SPEAK!
My legs are awake and ready...to explore the earth with their willing muscles.
                             I NEED TO RUN!
My heart and sould are troubled...with no better word to describe it than chaos.
                             I NEED TO STOP FEELING!


Man.  I feel like I need to write all the time.  So many stories and so many thoughts in my head that are just waiting and ready to be made permanent.  I'm ready.  It feels like I am at least.  I haven't told many people about my ambition to write books.  So very many books!  All in my head.  They won't be bestsellers AT ALL and I'm ok with that :].  I just want to write me some books and get even one published.  What an incredible dream come true.  I love writing :]

The Zoo

Forced into fences when all I want is wilderness.

Being told it's for the best to save my species.

It's not.

Freedom.  That will save my species.

For freedom is happiness, and happiness is what will preserve.

The evil on the outside won't kill me.

My instincts are good.

Depression.

That will kill me.

Let me out.

Let US out.

Give me my fresh nature air.

And then I will be healed, and we will become more beautiful and alive than you can imagine.

"Friends"

I don't understand how I can be so giving to you and have nothing in return.

No surprises, no love, and no friendship.

I gave you so much because I thought it was important and you appreciated it.

It's not like I did it to get something in return, but after how much I selflessly dropped for you I at least expect friendship.

But what kind of friend flakes out as many times as you?

What kind of friend messes with my head like that?

What kind of friend is content with going weeks without talking?

I gave you so much.

That's why it was so hard to move on.

But I have now and all I've moved onto is more friends that are equally selfish and ungiving.

All I ask from you people is to think about me and be a good friend.

Why is that such an easy thing for me and my husband to do but so hard for you?

Don't you care about me?

Because your actions and the way you treat me prove otherwise.

Remembering birthdays and not lying about ditching us is the kinds of things that are important to us.

But you lie all the time.

About not wanting to do something or where you were.

You think we don't know?

You're wrong.

Why can't you be better?

Why can't you support me the way I support you?

Love me the way I love you and don't make me feel worthless.

It's hard enough to not feel like that.

I don't need you to bring me down too.

Remember that party I threw for you?

I wish I could take it back so you would feel the way I feel lots of the time around you.

Like crap.

Someone you can practice your mistakes on.

I thought you were a grownup?

No?

Yeah I guess not.

Because grownup friends don't treat each other like that.

Go practice your mistakes on your own ass, not mine.

You really hurt me.

It hurts that you won't do as much for me as I do for you.

It hurts I gave you anything at all.

out out out outbursts.

• I hate having to change passwords.  Apparently, there was suspicious activity with my gmail and I had to change the password.  Suspicious activity?  Whatever lol.  But because of that, when I came to my blog and it wasn't there I freaked out.  I HATE losing memory type things more than anything.  I'm a memory/picture/journal freak haha and I've dubbed myself the family historian :P.  It all worked out though thankfully :).
• It's such a hard feeling when you've been wrongfully fired.  I was fired from Fatcats basically for no good reason.  The whole situation got completely blown out of proportion and should've been handled a lot more professionally by my manager.  Fired for asking questions to understand something?  It was twisted all wrong and I'm still frustrated and confused.
• We went to the demolition derby last week and it was AWESOME!  It was part of Cliftons birthday present and it was my first one.  Pretty sure we'll be at every one next year 8).
• I love being in the mountains more than anything.  Same with Clifton.  There's something about being out in nature that is completely healing for me and him.  And for our new doggie Scout!  He gets really grumpy when he goes too long without the mountain freedom haha.
• I wish I had a good reliable job.  That way I could save up for a vacation to California with my husband for next year :).  We were supposed to go this week as our honeymoon/birthday bash...but we don't have money :(.  I hated not being able to go and I know he did too.  I felt like I let him down since I'm the one that got fired.
• POLYAMOROUS!  I love my group of friends and all my husbands and wives hahaha.  They really are the best.
• I know it's early, but I've already been thinking about my New Years resolution.  I don't usually do them because I think they're silly and pointless and almost everyone doesn't stick to them but this year I feel very strongly I should do this.  I'm going to blog every day for a whole year, and each day it will be about something different that I'm grateful for.  My year of thanks :].  I'm so excited!
• I hate her.  I want nothing more than to freaking embarrass her in front of all the people that are important to her and show them what she's really like.  It's bad, but true.  She ruined my friends and I hate her.  Fake bimbo whore.  Well there's really 2 girls that I hate.  One is obnoxious and immature and fake and shallow and she ruined our group a little bit.  The other is controlling and manipulative and hotheaded and immature and power hungry.  Basically what I'm saying is both=bitch!  The sad thing is we could've been great friends if they weren't life-ruiners lol.
• Drinking and driving is so idiotic.  My car got totaled by a drunk driver (I wasn't even in the car btw, it was parked by the curb) and I'm the one paying and suffering from it.
• I'm SO excited for the Halloween party!!!!!
• My favorite time of the day is the morning.  Clifton is so funny and so completely wonderful to wake up to.  I thought about what it would've been like if I didn't go the direction I did awhile ago and instead married someone else.  That man would've made me feel insecure and unsure.  I love my Clifton.  And I love our cute, dorky, hilarious mornings together when we wake up :].